ICMezzo

A Tale of Two Tulips

Happy Birthday, PerfectlyPersuasive!

I hope you have a fabulous birthday, friend!
I wrote you a little Said and Done outtake, which I hope you enjoy. Your fic always makes me giggle, so I hope I can return the favor. Hope you enjoy the giant pile of silly! -ICMezzo and Tulip

A/N: This SaD outtake will probably make a bit more sense if you've read the outtake at the end of chapter 16. (Admittedly, making complete sense is probably too lofty a goal for SaD.)

Thanks to ArcadianMaggie and Missyfits for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing.

Human/Vamp, J/E slash. Rated M. Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize.

xXxXx

Jasper strode into the Seattle humane society on a mission.

His goal? Finding Edward something besides Jasper to take care of.

Quite frankly, Edward was making him a little crazy with his excessively attentive and highly overprotective tendencies. So he decided to share the burden with a furry friend that Edward could mother all he wanted.

And Jasper knew just what to get.

He walked to the front desk where a woman sat filling out paper work. “How can I help you?” she asked, snapping her gum.

“I need a gerbil,” Jasper replied, peering around rows of cages filled with tiny mewing faces and sleeping puppies. Jasper would have adopted every single one of them, had he not lived in a dorm. As it was, a gerbil was a risk, but under the circumstances, it was one he was willing to take.

The lady at the desk peered over her glasses at Jasper. “We don't have any gerbils. You have to go to a pet store for that.”

“I'm not going to buy an animal when there are so many that already need care,” Jasper explained, looking around. It seemed like a reasonably large operation, so he was honestly a bit surprised. “Really? No gerbils?”

The woman shook her head. “How about a kitten? Or a rabbit?”

Jasper shook his head. The pet was for Edward, and Edward was undeniably fussy. Jasper was pretty sure it had to be a gerbil, judging by the way Edward was always reminiscing about the good times he and Tulip had shared.

The woman shrugged and returned to her paperwork. Jasper was a bit miffed at her dismissal, and tried another approach. “Do you think any other shelters nearby have one?”

She just shrugged again. “You could try.”

“Do you have the numbers? Maybe we could call?” he asked hopefully.

“I'm sorry, dear,” she said, staring at him over her glasses. “I have work to do. We have no gerbils, and I highly doubt any other shelters do either. Cats? Hundreds. Dogs, of course. Even an occasional ferret or rabbit. But no guinea pigs.”

“Well that's good,” Jasper said. “Because I'm looking for a gerbil.”

“Look, we don't have any. We've never had any, and—”

But her words were interrupted by a gruff voice calling from the back room. “Mallory? Hey, Mallory? I just noticed someone dropped off a shoebox with a gerbil in it. Been sitting by the steps of the back door. What should I do with it?”

Jasper grinned. “I'll take it!” he replied before the woman at the desk could say a word.

Soon, Jasper was on his way home, excited about the little creature that scurried around its newly purchased cage filled with fresh pine shavings and little gerbil treats. Edward was going to be so pleased.

xXxXx

Edward was not pleased in the least.

He tried to hide it, of course, because he knew Jasper had gotten the gerbil for him as a gift.

Sure, it was the thought that counted, blah, blah, blah. But the fact of the matter was, the gerbil was not Tulip.

Of course it couldn't have been, and Edward knew that. Tulip's short time with him had passed long ago.

But this gerbil... well, it wasn't even close.

He studied the creature through the clear plastic walls of its cage.

For one thing, it was brown, not the dark gray color that had been so becoming on his Tulip. Plus, this gerbil had the audacity to have not only white feet, but a little splotch of white on its forehead, which Edward found completely ridiculous. Was it so devoid of personality that it required such markings to appear more interesting?

Not to mention this gerbil was male.

Edward didn't need another man in his life; he had Jasper.

Nonetheless, Edward tried to hide his dismay as he took the cage from Jasper's outstretched arms. “Uh, thanks.”

Jasper was talking a mile a minute about his adventure at the animal shelter, and the directions he'd obtained for gerbil care, and how it was up to Edward, of course, but that Jasper thought “Petunia” was a great name for the animal.

Edward nodded and tried not to frown as the animal's little beady eyes stared back at him.

Petunia indeed, Edward thought, not bothering to alert Jasper to the gerbil's actual gender. More like Not!Tulip.

Edward set the cage on his counter and contemplated the situation. Certainly, he wanted to like the creature for Jasper's sake. Knowing that Tulip had always liked to chew on his finger, and that he'd always regarded it as a bonding experience of sorts, Edward stuck his fingers into the cage as a peace offering, determined to play nice.

But Edward and Not!Tulip's already strained relationship was only further cemented when the gerbil meandered over to his hand, gave a little sniff, and then headed back to chew on the paper towel roll Jasper had provided.

Knowing how bad cardboard tasted, Edward determined Not!Tulip's reaction to be quite rude, and abruptly removed his hand and locked the cage up tightly.

Jasper, who had watched the scene with interest, picked up that Edward hadn't immediately fallen in love with Petunia/Not!Tulip. He decided that the two needed some bonding time, so he grabbed his books to head to the library, and insisted that Edward stay behind to make sure his new pet had everything it needed to feel comfortable.

As soon as Jasper left, Edward narrowed his eyes and gave Not!Tulip a stern lecture on politeness before taking the paper towel roll from it as punishment. He then set his watch alarm so he'd remember to put it back before Jasper got home, and then wandered off to play a video game.

Petunia/Not!Tulip just sighed and burrowed down into the wood chips. He was suddenly quite thankful he'd learned how to manage a troublesome owner while living in his prior home. He could tell Edward would be a definite challenge.

xXxXx

Later that evening found Jasper stark naked on his hands and knees, bracing himself for Edward, who was equally naked and preparing to enter Jasper from behind.

Except that he didn't.

So after a few seconds, Jasper peered over his shoulder at Edward to ascertain the nature of the holdup. Edward frowned at his cock, which was about 2 inches away from exactly where Jasper wanted it.

“It's okay, I'm ready,” Jasper reassured Edward, leaning back against him to encourage him.

Edward shook his head.

This wasn't how things were supposed to go. He wiggled his ass a bit at Edward, hoping to entice him.

“I... can't.” Edward said.

Jasper tried to figure out what could possibly be wrong, but came up short, so he turned around and pulled Edward into a kiss. “Why not?” he asked, nibbling on Edward's lower lip.

Edward pulled away. “The gerbil.”

“Huh?”

Edward sighed. “It's watching.”

“So let's cover the cage with a towel?” Jasper suggested.

“It's too late.” Edward shook his head. “It knows. And it's not happy.” He could tell by the way the creature was eyeing Edward's every move.

Jasper stared at him.

“It thinks I'm hurting you,” Edward continued. “And it likes you.” Edward could tell that too. The last time Jasper entered the room it smushed itself against the glass and wagged it's little gerbil tail.

In order to get back to having sex as soon as possible, Jasper decided to play along. He got off the bed, grabbed a spare blanket and bent down to talk to Petunia/Not!Tulip. “Now, Petunia, Edward is not hurting me. Please don't be alarmed. It may get a bit loud, but trust me. I will enjoy every moment. So don't worry, okay? Okay.”

He then threw the blanket over the cage and headed back to the bed, smacking Edward's ass as he walked by. “See? It's all good.”

Edward nodded, and decided Jasper was right. So they got back into position, and a few seconds and a bit more lube later, Edward was slowly entering his lover.

Jasper appreciated the painstaking slowness of Edward's initial movements, but even when Jasper was clearly ready for a bit more action, he couldn't get Edward to pick up the pace. When the vampire eventually ceased moving altogether, Jasper disengaged with a huff and lay down on the bed with his head in his hands. After taking a moment to compose himself, he spoke. “Okay, now what?”

“It's just that...how am I supposed to fuck you when it's judging me like that?”

“The gerbil?” Jasper confirmed. “You think the gerbil is judging you?”

Edward knew it was. He could tell the difference between contented munching, thoughtful chewing, and angry chomping. And right now, Not!Tulip was clearly crunching his wood chips in a most judgmental manner.

What was worse was that Jasper clearly didn't believe him when he explained the situation.

And so, Edward, who had not willingly turned down sex with Jasper once since they'd begun making love, found himself unwilling to copulate under such circumstances.

It ended up being a night filled with solo showers, a few rather tense kisses, and mental plotting as each sought a way to make things right. Of course, it would have helped had they done their scheming together, but masters of communication they were not.

xXxXx

While Jasper slept that night, Edward booted up his laptop and found himself searching through hundreds of images until he found the perfect specimen. He promptly e-mailed the owner with a few questions: Was he absolutely certain she was female? Purebred? Had she learned any tricks? Did he think she would be okay with the name Tulip?

The gerbil farmer, sensing a chance to vastly overcharge for one of his thousands of young gerbils, which were definitely not purebred as a hamster had slipped in by mistake at one point, answered affirmatively via e-mail, and even offered to ship her “for free” the next day for the low, low price of $299. Edward jumped at the chance. No price was too high to have a real Tulip once again.

No, not Tulip. His new friend would be Tulip II, he decided, gazing happily at her photo. Yes, Tulip II. Perfect.

Of course, the purchase of Tulip II meant he'd have to find a way to switch Tulip II with Not!Tulip when Jasper was at class one day. Luckily, Jasper was only human and therefore, exceedingly unobservant. Edward was quite sure he'd never even notice the switch. As for Not!Tulip, Edward would just return the rude little creature back to the shelter. He'd even let Not!Tulip keep his paper towel roll.

xXxXx

Sure enough, Tulip II was everything Edward could have hoped for in a gerbil. Naturally bright and eager to chew on his pinky finger at every opportunity, not to mention female. She also had lovely child-bearing hips covered in a thick glossy coat of shiny gray fur.

Perfect.

So perfect in fact, that Edward realized even a human would notice the difference between happy Tulip II and the surly brown Not!Tulip.

He was forced to protect his new friend's identity with shrewd planning. The first day after class Edward met Jasper at the door and promptly suggested they stay at Jasper's that night. He'd already had a tearful (on her part, he was sure of it) goodbye with Tulip II, promising to return as soon as possible the next morning.

Actually, this was fine with Tulip II, as she'd only lived with Edward a few hours and was already anxious for some alone time.

The next day when Jasper visited, Edward had a blanket over the cage, so the gerbil could “nap.” This puzzled Jasper, as he could hear the gerbil running about in its wheel, but as long as it made Edward happy, he didn't mind.

It wasn't until the third day when Jasper stopped by unexpectedly to pick up a book he'd left behind that Jasper discovered what Edward had done and demanded to know what was going on. After first attempting to convince Jasper that he'd merely dyed Petunia/Not!Tulip's coat a new color because gray was the new brown, Edward finally caved and confessed the truth.

Jasper was quite hurt that Edward had exchanged his gift and, in the process, had supported a gerbil mill that surely had poor living conditions for the little critters.

Edward was naturally unhappy that Jasper was unhappy, even though he really had thought the gerbil upgrade made sense at the time.

It ended up being yet another night of solo showers, quick pecks on the cheek, and plotting as they tried to keep a gerbil from ruining their relationship.

xXxXx

The next afternoon, Jasper showed up at the Seattle human society for the second time in a week.

The woman at the front desk snapped her gum at him as he approached.

“The gerbil I adopted last week was brought back a few days ago. I need to re-adopt it,” he said, preparing to receive a lecture from the woman in response.

Instead he received even worse news. The gerbil had been adopted out earlier that morning.

Jasper sighed. He'd liked Petunia and wanted to keep it for himself even if the animal wasn't good enough for Edward. As he drove home, he comforted himself with the fact that at least Petunia had a new owner and wasn't still in the shelter.

When Jasper arrived back in his dorm, he found Edward sitting on his couch looking inordinately pleased with himself. Jasper wasn't in a great mood and really just wanted to be left alone, however, so he tried to ignore the vampire who was practically twitching with joy.

After making a sandwich and sitting down at his kitchen table to eat, he finally acknowledged Edward. “What?”

Edward dashed into the bedroom and quickly returned with his arms full.

“Here,” he said, holding out a large three-story gerbil cage/amusement park. Inside, Tulip II was chasing Petunia/Not!Tulip around in large circles.

Jasper's lips twitched into a smile.

“Okay?” Edward asked hopefully.

Jasper nodded, setting the cage on the table. Edward sat down next to him and held his hand as they stared at the two gerbils running through the wood chips.

After a while, Edward opened the cage and offered his other hand to the two gerbils, who immediately ran over to gnaw on his pinky finger. (It turns out that Petunia/Not!Tulip had simply not known that doing so was acceptable, as his past owner had been rather displeased whenever he had tried it.)

Once Edward washed his hands thoroughly, they departed to the bedroom to reconnect after what had been a stressful week of adoption issues.

As it turns out, while the humans were getting it on, the gerbils decided to do so as well.

A few weeks later, Tulip II gave birth to a litter of pups, which surprised Jasper a good deal, as he had always imagined Petunia to be female as well.

Edward, meanwhile, could hardly contain his delight at a world so filled with Tulips.

Sure, some of them had spots and white feet, but Edward grew to love them anyway. And it was definitely a good thing that Edward loved to count because who else would have kept track of their expanding family? Even he had to admit that Tulip IIXVIXXV and Tulip IIVXVVI were very similar.

Really, the only difference was that Tulip IIXVIXXV had one extra whisker on his right cheek, which made him one of Edward's favorites. After all, Jasper had an extra on that side as well.